Things you should never do

1) Go back out with an ex
Fine if it's only been a three week break up after a silly fight, but it's a no go if it has been a substantial period of separation, especially over six months. As a dumpee, you should be aware that, despite protestations of regret and lingering feelings, the dumper is only considering you again as s/he hasn't managed to get any body else. By now, the dumper is lacking in self esteem and also sporting those rosy shades and feels that being with you again is a far better option than being alone.

After the dumpee's initial joy at being reunited with his/her lost love, s/he will realise that what has in fact been regained is a sulky partner resentful that s/he been made to accept the romantic scraps. The dumpee will compare this new reality with what s/he knew before, wonder what made s/he go back over old ground just when s/he was starting to get on with things alone and thinking about possibly dating someone else.

Finally, the dumpee, still bitter that s/he was dumped in the first, will wonder why s/he is putting up with this shit in the first place and will dump the dumper and relegate her/him to postion of dumpee.

What a waste of time. Everyone's a loser.

2) Use s/he for extended periods in a text.

Yes, it's grammatically correct, but bloody annoying to read. From now on it's "they" all the way!

3) Ask a vegetarian if they wear leather.

Oh, the originality of it. Yes we do. Got a problem with that. Oh you have. Well, actually I was just going to the bar......Oh right we are all hypocrites are we? Fine. No, I don't wish to debate the merits of flesh. Well, if your body needs meat, then so be it. Are you a practising Christian? Thought not, neither am I so I don't concern myself with what the bible says. Speak for yourself: I don't consider my canines to be all that prominent actually! I was never all that into bacon sandwiches, so not really. What, are you actually asking me of I would starve to death or eat a rabbit? Are you for real? Er....Jesus....I don't know about your girlfriends, but I wasn't under the impression that fellatio actually involved eating a penis. I mean, that sounds painful. Into hard core are you? Well, not a lot of people care to know but there is a fair amount of protein in fruit and vegetables. Oh, right we are back to hypocrisy are we? So, how exactly does smoking dope make me a hypocrite? Do I look like the sort of person who goes around waving lettuce leaves under someone's nose? Well, if someone could've cured my Mum, then bring on the rats, guinea pigs and monkeys I say! See, the odd thing is, as a raving fundamental food terrorist I seem to be quite in control of my faculties whilst it's apparently you who is about to explode! Anyway, as I said, I was just about to get a drink. Oi! I heard that!

4) List yourself on Friendsreunited and its ilk

Especially if all you write under the "What X is doing now" section is "Ahhhhhhhh......that would be telling!" You won't fool anyone. You won't be thought of as an international person of mystery, just someone who is clearly embarrassed by the way their life has turned out.

Especially if you don't want someone who you haven't spoken to for 20 years sending you emails.

5) Don't send someone you haven't spoken to for 20 years emails

If you haven't stayed in touch, then clearly, you didn't like each other enough to stay in touch.

6) Tick "unsure" in the "Orientation" box if you are over 30

Exactly how many more years of sex is it going to take before you know? Or are you regularly lacking it so all offers are welcome?